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Monday, May 27, 2013


So here we are.

Holy cow. These are exciting times. I mean it. 

I don’t want to sound conceited, but you wouldn’t believe how full my email inbox is. Not with boring old messages from friends. Not with silly old job offers or invitations to dreary galas and assorted springtime soirees. No, this is really amazing stuff. Big, big news.

Did you know that there’s a really simple way to get your credit score? Yeah. There is. All I have to do is click on the link that was sent specially to me. That’s it! What could be easier than that? 

I’ll tell you what could be easier: discount cigars, that’s what. Yeah. Easy-peasy. All the discount cigars you could ever want, all available to me any time I want. Discounted cigars and printer ink. I know you’re jealous. You should be. They don’t send these emails to just anyone.

Did you know that there’s another Viagra, only it’s spelled “VjaqrRa?” It’s apparently quite exclusive. I’d tell you more about it, but I probably shouldn’t. I think you have to be on a special list or something.

I don’t mean to make you feel bad or left out or anything. I don’t know how I got so lucky, seriously. But I must have done something right to hear about bathtubs that you can actually just walk into. You don’t believe me, do you? A walk-in tub? Sounds made up, right? But guess what? It’s not. I know, right? Crazy space-age stuff we’re talking about here. They’re all over me, those walk-in tub guys. Not to brag or anything like that.

Because it’s not everyone who gets told about dentists in their area or how to get Lasik. That’s right. They tell me. I don’t have to Google a damned thing.

It’s pretty sweet, especially to be able to have access to “As Seen on TV Products” without having to wait to see them on TV. Who wants to wait for things? And who wants to go through the hassle of dialing a phone number? (Come on! What year is this, anyway?) I can just take my pick of the 30 emails these guys send me every week and click on the link and I am hooked up, sister. Hooked up. I’d tell you where to find them, but they’re so hush-hush that you can’t even reply to the email. It’s some real clandestine stuff, my friend. 

Speaking of clandestine, apparently I could become a Secret Shopper. Did you even know there was such a thing as Secret Shoppers? Of course you didn’t! Because they’re SECRET!

Just like the Classy Watches. Not plain old ordinary watches that just anyone can buy. I’m talking Classy Watches. All you have to do is click, and there they are - classy watches. You can tell they’re classy because the brands are spelled exotically. And I barely had to lift a finger to check them out. It’s like the entire world is brought right to me!

Oh, and I almost forgot about the Hot Rewards. That’s right, I said Hot Rewards. They’re not just rewards, which are already great, but they’re hot! I told you, things are really happening for me these days! These people are beating down my door! It’s amazing!

Crap. You know what? I think I’ve said too much. It’s kind of an honor to be on these lists, and I don’t… just… never mind. Forget I said anything. 

But you know, it’s just a lesson to never give up hope, because you never know: someday you too could become eligible for a Subway gift card just for taking a simple survey! Think about that! Free sandwiches, just for answering a couple of questions from the privacy of your own home! I bet the gift card would be good for chips and cookies, too. Their cookies are pretty good, when they’re fresh. So maybe that could happen to you someday!

I mean, providing you know the right people on the Internet.

Yes indeed. Welcome to me. 

1 comment:

  1. According to an email that showed up in my spam folder this morning, I can make $4,500 a week (plus "bonuses')by taking online surveys. Time to bid flyover country adieu and get that loft in the Village!