Right now, the "web…blah…log" is not being updated regularly, but feel free to peruse the archive, and check out our carefully selected highlights from Season One, Season Two, and Season Three.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

internet, captured

So here we are.
I finally figured out that most of the non-porn, non-commerce Internet is all the same. It goes like this:

One or more of the following: News story. Statement. Opinion. Statistic. Humorous observation. Review. Handy tip. Warning. 
End of Post. Advertisement. 
Comment #1: Brag that she/he is first to comment, but does not actually comment.
Comment #2: Single word of positivity (i.e. great!, cool!, or yay!). Commenter #2 is probably the author’s former friend from high school.
Comment #3: Rails against stereotypes and tropes found in the original story, but also manages to throw in an non-ironic usage of FAIL.
Comment #4: Uses all-caps to describe his/her displeasure at the current government/administration, regardless of the fact that the original story has nothing to do with politics.
Reply to Comment #4: Strong disagreement with Commenter #4‘s political views. Stronger disagreement with Commenter #4‘s use of all-caps. 
Reply to Reply to Comment #4: Supports the views of Commenter #4, makes an unfounded derogatory statement about the mother of the Replier to Commenter #4, and brings various Deities into the conversation.
All Replies to the Reply to Reply to Comment #4 have been removed by the site administrator.
Comment #5: Makes bold sweeping statement of society in general that stems solely from his/her own personal experience. He/she has never had a checking account, answering machine, or landline telephone, therefore no one in the world uses them anymore. Conversely, he/she has a DVR, smartphone, and high-speed wireless internet, therefore everyone else in the world does, too... or should. 
Comment #6: Promises that you too can lose weight or find love if you click on this link. 
Comment #7: Tells a very long, very personal story that involves tragedy and loss to make no related point to the original story whatsoever. 
Comment #8: Mentions how fat everyone is getting these days.
Twenty Replies to Comment #8: Shames the fat-shaming.
Reply to Twenty Replies to Comment #8: Personal anecdote about how naturally thin he/she is and how it’s just as bad to thin-shame.
Different Reply to Twenty Replies to Comment #8: Personal anecdote about how he/she lost a lot of weight once and it was so simple and easy and why doesn’t everyone else just do that too. 
Comment #9: Tries to make a highly educated argument by way of length and fancy words, misuses and misspells most of them. 
Comment #10: Conspiracy theorist.
Reply to Comment #10: Commenter #4 hops on board.
One hundred Replies to Reply to Comment #10: Exactly what you think they’d be.
Comments #11 - #103: A hearty stew of spam, self-promotion, smugness, ignorance, and vitriol that touch upon every hot-button issue of the day except for the actual content of the original story.
Comment #104: Recipe for Texas sheet cake.
Reply to Comment #104: Commenter #104 apologizing for accidentally posting recipe for Texas sheet cake in the wrong comment thread. Inserts link to her recipe subscription website. Says you’ll love it. Also accepts Paypal.
Comment #105: Someone spoils the ending of Citizen Kane for no good reason.
Site Administrator: Comments are now closed.
Yup. That’s the Internet in a nutshell.
Yes indeed. Welcome to me.