asylum

So here we are.

I know that America’s birthday isn’t until next week, but I have an early present to give to my country: the assurance that I won’t ever commit treason, and if I did happen to commit treason by accident (say, if I knocked over something at the Smithsonian), I promise not to flee overseas. 

I can make this bold statement because I’m pretty confident that I would have no way to navigate the complex waters of international political asylum. At all. 

long day

So here we are. 

There is so much sunshine. I wake up in sunshine, no matter how early my eyes flutter open. I stay up late, past what seems to be never-ending dusk, and even the night seems less dark. It is absolutely beautiful.

And I can’t stand it.

everyday agita

So here we are.

I know that a lot of big, bad things have been going down this week. But take heart, for it’s not the huge, grand problems in life that give us the most agita… it’s the many, many little things:

after-living the dream

So here we are.

Come here, honey. Mama wants to talk to you.

You know that actor you used to like, sweetie? It’s time you knew the truth. They didn’t send him to a farm like we told you they did. He’s not out in the country with your Uncle Fred. He’s in actor heaven.

But don’t you worry, baby. Actor heaven is a great place. Really it is. 

gaps

So here we are.

I’m a member of Generation X, strictly by nature of my being born in 1971. Being a member of a generation is the only membership that no one signs up for, yet it still defines you. 

For a while, we were the worst. Just the worst, with our flannel and grunge and tragic realization that none of us would ever get a pension, ever. We were deemed worse than the Baby Boomers, if you can believe that... and they were the ones who created disco and took all that cocaine and became yuppies and gave my generation the idea of helicopter parenting!

happening

So here we are.

Holy cow. These are exciting times. I mean it. 

I don’t want to sound conceited, but you wouldn’t believe how full my email inbox is. Not with boring old messages from friends. Not with silly old job offers or invitations to dreary galas and assorted springtime soirees. No, this is really amazing stuff. Big, big news.

dreams and candy

So here we are.

From the time you’re a wee peanut, you’re aware of your dreams and all of the lovely things you hope will come true in life. As you grow up, you’re encouraged to follow your dreams, and you attach your heart to successful mentors who stand at lecterns and assert that with hard work and a little luck, your dreams can come true. 

However, there are not-so-lovely things that no one tells you about dreams, mostly because it would make the worst graduation speech ever. But since I’m a person who insists that inspirational graduation speeches from successful people are boring and often unmemorable (as I implied in 2011’s “pomp”), let’s lift the veil and expose some truth… just in time for the start of commencement season. 

twitter psa

So here we are.

It has been exactly two months since I joined Twitter under my actual name. I have learned much in this time, and since I work a lot in educational television I feel that it is my responsibility to pass on some of that learning to my devoted dozens. Also, just in case I ever do anything bad, maybe this can act as pre-emptive community service, since I don’t think I can pull off the orange-vest look. So, here now is a public service announcement...

HOW TO ENSURE THAT YOU WILL NEVER SEND OUT AN EMBARRASSING, INFLAMMATORY, OR INSULTING TWEET THAT WILL HAUNT YOU FOREVER: