mixed messages

So here we are, at my 250th post.

I can’t say that I’ve learned a lot from my 249 previous posts, or, for that matter, from my 41 years of living, mostly because everything I’ve learned so far seems to be contradicted by all of the other things I’ve learned.

To wit:

Be truthful, but not too truthful. 

Be honest, but not so much that you reveal your weaknesses. 

Be frugal, but not a miser. 

Be funny, but not at inappropriate times.

Be pretty, but not intimidatingly so. 

Be coy, but not a tease.

Be healthy, but don’t spend your life at the gym. 

Be careful, but still take chances. 

Be brave, but not a reckless idiot. 

Be strong, but not so stoic that no one can get inside.

Be sensitive, but not emotional.

Be thick-skinned, but don’t lose your soul. 

Be successful, but stay humble. 

Be humble, but not at the cost of success. 

Be put-together, but don’t look like you put too much thought into what you’re wearing. 

Be ultra-stylish, but don’t carry a $20,000 handbag that looks like it cost $20,000. 

Be shabby chic, but don’t carry a $5 handbag that looks like it cost $5.

Be a bargain-hunter, but don’t go so far as to get a cashier fired over an unaccepted coupon. 

Be real, but wear makeup. 

Wear makeup, but don’t look like you’re wearing makeup. 

Lose weight, but don’t say you can’t eat anything at this restaurant. 

Be thin, but eat burgers all the time. 

Be smart, but don’t make others feel stupid with your big fancy words. 

Be perfect, but still accessible. 

Don’t try to hide your imperfections, but for goodness’ sake, don’t draw attention to them, either.

Be young at heart, but not too childish. 

Be mature, but still have fun. 

Be silly, but be an adult.  

Be passionate, but not obsessive. 

Have focus and drive, but don’t forget to smell the roses. 

Be proud, but not braggy. 

Have a sharp wit, but don’t use it to make fun of people. 

Be cute, but not annoying. 

Don’t be too smart, but don’t be an idiot, either. 

Have faith, but not blind faith. 

Have hope, but be realistic.

Believe in something, but not something stupid. 

Indulge, but not too much or too often. 

Be pragmatic, but not a wet blanket.

Be your own person, but be part of society.

Stand out from the crowd, but not for the wrong reasons. 

Own your feelings, but don’t drown in them.

Don’t be ashamed of your shortcomings, unless you should be. 

Be a maverick, but follow the rules. 

Break the rules, but don’t be a criminal.

Stand up for what you believe in, but don’t get killed or arrested in the process.

You really need to have kids, but don’t talk about them all the damned time. 

Get a smartphone so I can reach you in a myriad of ways, but don’t be on it all the time. 

Be someone who is well-connected, but don’t be an obvious networker. 

Be artistic, but still be able to make a living someday. 

Be a strong leader, but not a dictator. 

Care deeply about animals, but don’t become a crazy cat lady. 

Buy lots of things, but not too many. 

Compete fiercely and do whatever it takes to bring home the gold, but remember, it’s not about winning. 

Have an active imagination, but don’t live in your head. 

Believe in the magic of fairies and Santa Claus and puppets, but only up to a certain age.

Don’t be a bully, but do whatever you can to deflect from your own flaws. 

Love yourself, but not too much. 

Allow yourself to be sad, but don’t invite everyone to your pity party. 

Make bold choices, but not ones people might point and laugh at. 

Don’t let anybody tell you what to do, but don’t be disrespectful.

Be proud of your age and experience, but only if you look younger than you actually are.

Don’t trust everyone you meet, but don’t be cynical about humanity.

Create something unique, but just know that it’s all been done before.

The world is a beautiful place, except for a lot of places in the world.

Don’t let anybody tell you “no,” but remember, “no” means “no.”

Don’t ever stop thirsting for knowledge, but get some fresh air, Poindexter.

You shouldn’t have to change for people to like you, but a makeover can make you feel so much better about yourself.

Don’t be self-centered, but you have to love yourself before others can.

Don’t be greedy, but capitalism is the backbone of America.

Be charitable, but not a bleeding-heart.

You can be whatever you want to be, but life is full of disappointments.

Spread your wings and fly, but stay grounded.

You deserve good things, but the universe owes you nothing.

Flaunt your assets, but don’t dress like a whore.

Seek monetary success, but don’t sell out.

Be spiritual, but not the nutty-and-talk-to-trees kind.

Search for the truth, but don’t go poking your nose where it doesn’t belong.

Be nice, but not a pushover.

Be clear, but not condescending.

Live out loud, but not in my damn ear.

Be different, but not weird.

Have a routine, but be flexible.

Know everything, but don’t be a know-it-all.

Fix your flaws but be yourself.

and finally…

Change the world, but not my life.

Yes indeed. Welcome to me.