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Monday, July 8, 2013

hollywood diet

So here we are.

Ooh, what have we here? A toothy entertainment news gal is chatting up a brand-new-mama actress on the red carpet! Let’s eavesdrop, shall we? 

TOOTHY ENTERTAINMENT NEWS GAL: Oh, my gosh! Here we are, talking to [Brand New Mama Actress], who’s a brand new mama! You look fantastic!


GAL: No, I mean it! You really look fantastic! How did you lose all that baby weight?

MAMA: You know, breastfeeding really helped a lot with that. 

GAL: Seriously? Because your transformation is so incredible. 

MAMA: And of course, there was some diet and exercise, too.

GAL: That’s it? Because you just gave birth a month ago and you were the size of a house!

MAMA: Well, it was a lot of exercise. A lot. I actually can’t stop. In fact, standing here and talking to you now is the longest I’ve gone without exercising. But I’m trying to do isometric squeezes as we speak.

GAL: But my goodness, you were huge! And now you’re just this little slip of a thing! There must have been more to it than just that.

MAMA: To be honest, all I eat are chia seeds.

GAL: But come on, sweetie, look at you! Chia seeds and nonstop exercise did all this in just one month? I don’t believe that. You don’t go from whale to frail in 30 days without some sort of secret formula!

MAMA: I did take up smoking. That helped control my appetite. I mean, I don’t even want to eat the chia seeds anymore. Sometimes I just have a teaspoon of sriracha at noon and I’m good for the day. So, that’s a little boost. 

GAL: A little boost? Oh, please, hon. You look stunning! There’s nothing left of you! Those tabloid pictures of you coming home from the hospital were brutal! I would have killed myself if I ever looked like that!

MAMA: The tapeworm I swallowed got me sick, so that helped things along. 

GAL: See, tapeworms never work for me. You lucky thing. But still. You lost a ton of weight in no time at all. I’m not even exaggerating. A literal ton.

MAMA: I’ll admit that I also had a bit of liposuction. 

GAL: It had to be more than a bit, darling. Everyone thought you’d destroyed your career, you looked so fat and hideous! And now you’re so healthy-looking! Look at your shoulder blades! They look so sharp and healthy! And that breastbone crater you have now is just gorgeous. You’re such a vision of what every Hollywood starlet should look like.

MAMA: Yeah, I had the lipo pretty much everywhere. I haven’t been able to pick up my baby since I had her because of all the abdominal bruising when the suction tube hit my muscle wall. 

GAL: Well, it’s been worth it, because you look absolutely terrific. Congratulations on such a huge accomplishment.

MAMA: And the cocaine really helped speed up my metabolism. 

GAL: (to camera) Okay, let’s cut. (to MAMA) You know what? We really don’t want to encourage drugs to our audience. It might give them the wrong idea, and we in entertainment news don’t want to be seen as being irresponsible to our younger viewers. So why don’t we start this interview over again and when I asked you how you dropped that 60 pounds of baby weight in a month, you just say “breastfeeding,” okay?

MAMA: Okay.

GAL: But you really do look amazing.

MAMA: Thank you.

GAL: By the way, do you have any upcoming projects?

MAMA: I’m supposed to start a new movie in a couple of weeks, but I need to take off five more pounds first.

GAL: You are vomiting, right?

MAMA: Oh, fuck yeah.

GAL: But don’t say that on camera.

MAMA: Say what, fuck or vomiting?

GAL: Vomiting.

MAMA: Of course. I know I’m a role model.

GAL: Well, you have another twenty pounds to go before anyone calls you a model. Okay, let’s start this again. 

Yes indeed. Welcome to me.


  1. I try not to think about how new mommy starlets shed baby weight so quickly because, deep down, I know this essay is spot-on.

  2. I have to admit that I worry about the representation of women('s diets) and weight loss in mainstream media.
    For one thing, you shop online and most high-street names will give you the height of the model in the clothes, and the size she's wearing. Maybe even her BMI if you're lucky. But 'Model is 5'10" and wearing a size UK10 (US6) isn't very believable if the items in question aren't even sold in those sizes (eg: If they're in inches) and she's got a tinier waist than myself, and I can fit into the smallest available size with room to spare - and my BMI is somewhat below the 18.5 mark. Or you can look at a major fashion magazines expose on the health of it's models - probably a spread of minimalist images with simple text reading ' - BMI 17.5'. 17.5?! Really? I doubt it. I'm 16.3 (but perfectly healthy, I hasten to add), and you could fit the girl inside of me like a Russian doll.
    And then look at the inconsistency of interview questions received by men and women. Look at The Avengers. Robert Downey Jr gets asked about his emotional preparation for the movie, Scarlett Johansen? What crazy diet did you have to do to fit into that catsuit?! And Ann Hathaway (alongside being asked similar catsuit questions) was practically applauded for her weight loss for Fantine. She ate a single cracker with peanut butter A DAY. She did the diet specifically to look malnourished, and has said so repeatedly. But all anyone cares about is 'Haircut! Thin! Falling over!'.
    Women in the limelight are too frequently maintaining dangerously low weights on ridiculous diets. I would not be surprised to find out if most had severe eating disorder mentalities towards their bodies and food. They are under constant scrutiny, so even beyond having an anorexic mindset to just eating a sandwich, or having a coffee, they know they have probably been photographed while doing so. They must live in a constant world of eating healthily and exercising while not perfecting their hair and faces.
    If they are not perfect, they know they will be ripped apart by viewers and the press. If they look to be caring about how they look: Superficial and shallow (One of the few areas in modern society where women have more freedom than men, and it is of course presented as trivial and meaningless. A primary female art form, and it is immediately denounced. So what? Look perfect but don't try?)
    I do not blame the women, sadly I say I have to blame the world we surround ourselves and them in. Yes, health is important, but an autonomous mindset to what one holds important must be maintained.