hey

So here we are.

Pardon me, but I’m a little grumpy, and as such, I have some things to shout out to certain entities: 

Hey, movie - you’re not fooling me. I know that this wedding that you’re setting up in the first two scenes probably isn’t going to happen, and if it does, it’s not going to end well.

Hey, Broadway - putting an ingenue in glasses does not make her a character actress.

Hey, yogurt - give it a rest, already. You’re everywhere. Relax.

Hey, email - I am not interested in affordable cigars or replacement windows. It’s been almost twenty years. You should know by now that I do not want your Canadian Viagra.

Hey, TV networks - If you’re taking the time to create anti-bullying PSAs, then it might be a good idea to make sure that your shows don’t get their biggest laughs by making fun of other people. 

Hey, pretentious-but-delicious coffee place with nothing but agave syrup and raw sugar - Lady wants Splenda, you hippies. 

Hey drugstore chain - when I buy ice cream at your establishment with my loyalty card, I don’t need you to print me out a coupon for weight-loss supplements on my receipt, okay? You probably think that’s hilarious. Listen, you smart-asses, at least the stuff that’s in my ice cream is cleared by the FDA. 

Hey, commercial for that new prescription medication - if one of your long list of side effects (read in that quick, hushed, throwaway tone that you think I won’t notice) is death, then I’m going to have to say no thank you very much. 

Hey, newspapers - stop laying off all of your copyeditors. I don’t care how good your content is, if I see the spelling “Jackie O’Nassis,” I’m going to presume the story was written by a fourth-grader.

Hey, people who say no one needs to learn cursive writing - I got a letter from my bank, signed by the branch president. Let’s call him Bill Jones. His signature was in such bad grade-school cursive that it looked like he wasn’t actually responsible branch president Bill Jones, but rather little Billy from up the street who delivers the newspapers and wears a beanie. Do people want to trust their bank accounts to little Billy from up the street who delivers the newspapers and wears a beanie? Do you  - or your children - want to someday claw your way up the ladder to become the CEO of a company only to have your horrible signature make people think that you’re little Billy from up the street who delivers the newspapers and wears a beanie, just because you thought that cursive wasn’t necessary? 

Hey, science - make up your mind about the damned carbs already.

Hey, cable news - if you don’t have actual news to report, especially during an important breaking news event, then put on a puppet show or make balloon animals or do a cooking segment. Don’t interview a pundit who is just blowing smoke into your orifices and calling that smoke fact. Don’t just speculate. Do us all a favor and just have Ron Popeil standing by at all times to demonstrate his new chopping-slicing-thingy, or maybe Mister Produce to show us what fruits and veggies are in season right now, or something like that if you should ever find yourself at a loss for real information. 

Hey, today - you’re going to be history tomorrow.

Hey, Kool-Aid - Oh yeah! Also, I hear you are no longer wearing clothes. Good, because I found that creepy. Soft drinks shouldn’t need pants. (I can’t believe I wrote that sentence.)

Yes indeed. Welcome to me. 

P.S. Hey, you - if you feel that this is too similar to my last post, “just once,” you’re probably right. Oh, well. You get what you pay for.