hits

So here we are.

I just figured everything out. This whole Internet thing is a big game, where if you gather the most people, you win. They don’t have to adore you or even like you. They can even despise you. It doesn’t matter. You just have to “get” them, and then you win at Internet. I’m still not sure exactly what you win. Maybe the Mayor of the Web sends you a bumper sticker that says I Won at Internet and All I Got Was This Lousy Bumper Sticker. That would be swell if I had a car. Or I could just use it to cover the Apple logo on my MacBook Air if I had my own sitcom... like the sitcom people tend to get when they win at YouTube. 

(Side note: I bet the Mayor of the Web looks a little like Mayor McCheese, only without the edible head.)

Actually, I don’t usually feel the need to win at Internet. But it would be fun, just this once, to see what would shake up the Google machine. You know, as long as there are still reruns on TV and now that Shark Week is over.

But what, exactly, would that entail? 

Maybe a story about boobies. Socialist boobies. Hoarding, meth, and socialist boobies. 

The secret to losing ten pounds that no one wants you to know about, Monsanto, lasers, and socialist boobies. Tea Party mudwrestling, cock-fighting puppies, Magic Mike 2, conspiracy theories, the Pope, and socialist boobies.

Computer viruses, Craigslist murders, free money, best burgers, jewelry-making, and socialist boobies. Napping kittens, baby pandas, ducklings crossing the street, the Chicago Cubs, honey badgers, and socialist boobies.

How to tie a bow tie, how long to boil an egg, Batman, bullies, gay marriage, ukulele tabs, and socialist boobies. Discount tickets for Newsies the Musical, cash for gold, bloopers, dancing monkeys, agave syrup, and socialist boobies.

Global warming, microbrewery, Title IX, Big Gulp, beat poetry, death-faking, Jar Jar, incontinence, universal remote control comparisons, hair removal, hazing, nude starlets, cheat codes, who is inside Big Bird, sexting, gluten-free cookies, and socialist boobies. 

Area 51, whiter teeth, stroller recalls, Stan Lee, newest iPhone, fake Chanel bags, chemical weapons, Santa Claus, what happened to Fotomat, penny stocks, concealing acne, fro-yo, history of everything, Botox, free apps, Final Four, cheap printer ink, Schmidt, side effects, artisanal ice cream, Arrested Development movie, coupon codes, fuck, and socialist boobies. 

Or just boobies boobies boobies. Oh, what am I thinking? Fascist boobies. Now that’ll pull in the hits!

Gentlemen, start your search engines!! Let the link-clicking and resulting utter disappointment commence!! Just so long as I can get me a bumper sticker!!!

Yes indeed. Welcome to me.