fun fun fun

So here we are.

It’s almost summer. Or rather, it’s almost technically summer. The solstice is less than two weeks away, and yet Memorial Day has long passed and there are white pants everywhere. So whether or not it’s actually summer, I guess it’s summer.

And summer is the time for fun. Or, I should say, summer is the time for FUN!!

At least, that’s what all the commercials and magazines imply. I guess it’s more fun for people who have convertibles, or who aren’t prone to sunburn. (Sure, big floppy hats can be fun, but I think they are more fun for the people who point and laugh at them.)

Here’s how to make summertime FUN!!, from what I’ve gathered in my lifetime:

Do everything you already normally do the rest of the year, only do it all outside. 

Eat and drink everything you already normally eat and drink the rest of the year, only chilled, iced or frozen. (The one exception to this is that all meats must be barbecued.) 

Spend your time doing all the work you normally do, only do it via your laptop and smartphone while on vacation and/or at the beach.

Go to a place that you could travel to any time, but make sure to only go there when it’s at its hottest and most crowded, and charges peak rates. 

Take any sport or activity and add water to it. Chlorinated, non-chlorinated, saltwater or freshwater, clean or dirty... doesn’t matter. Water.

See a movie and/or read a book that you would never see any other time of year, that you know is mindless crap and has no redeeming social value whatsoever, because this is the only time of year it’s acceptable to do so. 

Enjoy the same sun that shines the rest of the year, only while slathered in pore-clogging sunscreen.

Okay, so I’m a Summer Scrooge. But really, how FUN!! is it to eat ice cream when it’s half-melted by the time it’s handed to you by the Mister Softee guy? How FUN!! is it to have a picnic of sweaty fruits and cheeses in a packed park, with insects biting you and frisbees flying at your head? How FUN!! is it to take a city stroll only to be drenched in sweat and grime within 10 blocks? (The Lovin’ Spoonful was right: the back of your neck really does get dirty and gritty.)

So here’s to a subdued, not-FUN!!-but-reasonably-enjoyable summer under the floppy hats and/or a parasol, and only going to freezing cold movie theaters for films that are worth freezing for, and eating inside the restaurant when it’s more than 74 degrees, and sure, with plenty of tasty frozen beverages and ice-cold watermelon and colorful pedicures but no, I repeat, no white pants for me. 

You’re welcome.

Yes indeed. Welcome to me.