new and improved

So here we are.


Want to improve something, whether it needs to be improved or not? Here’s how:

• call it a “re-boot”
• add bacon to it
• add CG to it
• change the soundtrack
• call it “artisan”
• call it “heirloom”
• top it with ice cream
• top it with artisan ice cream
• top it with bacon artisan ice cream
• get Joss Whedon involved
• put a little mascara and lip gloss on it
• just drink 6-8 glasses of water
• add a throw pillow
• re-paint it
• bedazzle it
• re-edit it into a peppy montage
• cover it with barbecue sauce
• offer it for a limited time only
• call it a “special”
• deep-fry it
• replace it with the same thing, only made of cashmere
• put Clooney in it
• add new, original songs
• add old, overplayed pop songs
• take away all of those stupid songs
• dye it blonde
• clean it up with a little saddle soap
• throw a huge lineup of star cameos in it
• release it in 3D
• put a pretty grosgrain ribbon on it
• replace all of the outdated words like “dungarees” and “hoarhound”
• put a radio in it
• new window treatments
• re-cast the leading lady
• put it out on Blu-ray
• put cheese on top of it
• offer it in leather
• add a lot of cursing and sex
• add a lot of car crashes
• add a lot of explosions
• toast it
• air it on HBO
• raise the price
• top it with a dollop of whipped cream
• slap a label on it that says “new and improved”
• give it a new hat
• throw in a side of fries
• offer a free gift with purchase
• dip it in gold
• mix it in THX
• get a celebrity to endorse it
• change the font
• take out all of the old people
• put an “i” in front of its name
• caramelize it
• get new uniforms
• add a key light
• make it smaller
• make it bigger
• two words: balloon bouquets
• write in a lot of scatological jokes
• give it a happy ending
• kill everyone at the end
• say it came from Brooklyn
• top it with fudge

OR:

• don’t change a thing, and call it “classic”

Yes indeed. Welcome to me.