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Friday, June 3, 2011


So here we are.
Someday I should write a book. It’ll be about my time as a Muppet Performer, and specifically about all of the famous people who have worked with the characters and how all of us puppeteers have to sit on the floor or work in a pit beneath them. It will be called I Have Laid at the Feet of Legends and will be the first crotch-centric book about children’s television that has no overt sex in it whatsoever. Since other Muppet Performers have worked many more years with far more stars than I, the book will no doubt be followed by copycats: When My Head Bumped His Ass, and Lord of the Flies: A View From Below. All will be tastefully illustrated. 
Or maybe I’ll never get around to it. Probably that. Or...

...you know, it doesn’t have to be a book about celebrity no-nos. It could be about their shoes. It doesn’t even have to be about celebrities, but then it wouldn’t sell. Of course, I suppose a sexless crotch book might not burn up the charts, either. (Apologies for that much-too-vivid sentence.)   
Fmeh. Who am I kidding? It’s not easy to write a book, but it’s so easy to get one e-published that everyone’s doing it. Even non-Snookis. So I’m just jumping on the bandwagon. Well, not really jumping. I’m thinking about jumping. I’m not even really thinking about it. I’m pondering it only for comedic effect. Dammit, this is for you, dear reader! I’m not serious at all. I’m merely speculating about something I won’t actually do. 
Oh, hell.
Someday I should come up with something that’s even more ridiculous to mock and I’ll pretend that I’m going to do it. That will be a great blog post. It’ll be so ludicrous. It’ll be even more ludicrous than puppets and crotches. Yeah, you heard me. More ludicrous than puppets and crotches.
Say, that would be a good autobiography title: More Ludicrous Than Puppets and Crotches. But then, who wants their life defined by puppets and crotches? Not I. Not you. Maybe Don Rickles. But probably not.
I know what you’re thinking right now. You’re thinking I need to stop saying “crotches.” But wouldn’t it be even more ludicrous to write a book called More Ludicrous Than Puppets and Crotches and have the book be nothing about puppets or crotches? Wouldn’t it be ludicrous if a book titled More Ludicrous Than Puppets and Crotches was about, say, dentistry? 
Actually, if I was a dentist and wanted to write a book about dentistry, using a title like More Ludicrous Than Puppets and Crotches wouldn’t be such a bad idea. As a matter of fact, it would be fantastic. Think about it: all of the good dentistry titles are probably already taken, what with the dentistry field being so choked and thick with books about dentistry. 
(Now you want me to stop saying “dentistry.”) 
But seriously, all of those teeth and gum and crown and filling puns are probably all played out. What the field of dentistry needs isn’t another book about dentistry. It needs a book about dentistry with a title that will get some real media attention. I think I’m onto something here. Who wants to read a dentistry book called Nothing But the Tooth, or Getting to the Root of It, or Hardy Tar-Tar when they could read More Ludicrous Than Puppets and Crotches
Someday I should become a dentist. But probably not. Having an excellent book title isn’t really a good enough reason to do something. 
Yes indeed. Welcome to me.

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