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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

time warp

So here we are.
If today was like the 1970s, Rebecca Black would have been given a variety show, to air as a summer replacement. It probably would have aired for 8 weeks and been pulled by the fall. Guest stars would have included Rich Little, Ruth Buzzi and Jim Nabors. Her attempts at sketch comedy would have fallen flat despite the best efforts of Bruce Vilanch, but her cover of Monday, Monday -- a duet with David Cassidy -- would have lifted the country’s spirits and taken people’s minds off of those high gas prices.

If there had been Twitter in the 1940s, you can bet that we’d still be typing RADD (“ring a ding ding”) and WAG (“what a gas”) today. But since that’s not the case, my guess is that if you were to put a RADD in your tweet, you’d place yourself in the 80s, not the 40s. Or someone would think you’re against drunk driving.
If television had existed in the 1890s, I’m not sure if Little House on the Prairie would have been a hit.
If there had been experimental film during the Renaissance, a lot of those classic paintings probably would have been cut up into montages.
If Citizen Kane came out today, #rosebud would be quite popular and OWN would be the Orson Welles Network, with a lineup of programs about magic and a reality show called War of the Everything, where Orson and his Mercury Players all live in a broadcast booth and successfully continue to fool an unsuspecting public with fake radio broadcasts. The clumsy sound effects guy, Slammy, hired purposely by Welles for his drama-inducing ineptitude, would break out as an audience favorite. The phrase, “pulling a Slammy,” would soon come to mean making a portly man angry, or dropping something noisy.
If there had been smartphones during the late 1700s, Thomas Jefferson would have been declared the first President of the United States simply because he was Foursquare Mayor of Independence Hall.
If nostalgia had existed in the 1300s, there probably would have been some monk who preferred to transcribe with a chisel and stone tablets because of its old-school quaintness. 
If there had been sitcoms in biblical times, the Bible would be filled with tales of misunderstandings due to eavesdropping, having multiple dates for the prom, and God coming over to dinner on the worst possible night. The ark would have also been divided down the middle with a piece of tape due to a spat between the rhinos and the zebras. 
If Shakespeare was making his Broadway debut today, he’d get destroyed online during previews by someone with the handle Taps-N-Belts98 who'd keep complaining about that "ba-da, ba-da, ba-da, ba-da, ba-DA" rhythm the actors keep talking in. Upon reading these comments, the actors would start to paraphrase and improvise. A fed-up William would abandon the show right after opening night to create YouTube videos. But at least the costumes would win a Tony.
And if Attilla the Hun was the host of The Price is Right, he would probably slaughter the Showcase contestants whenever there was a double over-bid. 
Well... guess I’d better cancel that time machine project.
Yes indeed. Welcome to me. 

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