Right now, the "web…blah…log" is not being updated regularly, but feel free to peruse the archive, and check out our carefully selected highlights from Season One, Season Two, and Season Three.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

from the vault: "legitimate reasons"

So here we are.
I have not been visited by the blog muse in recent days. No blogspiration from Carelessius, the Bloggoddess of Mundane Observations. And while this is “a blog that’s not a blog,” it’s still a blog in spite of its not being a blog by its very nature of being on Blogspot.
(No, that was not a challenge to see how many times I could use the word “blog” in a sentence.)
So I present to you a rerun of sorts, a humor piece posted on my website in its pre-blog days. Enjoy.

I am on the subway.
I am on a plane.
I am in the lavatory.
I am in the shower.
I am at the dentist.
I am on a trapeze.
I am swimming.
I am filming a tender love scene.
I am receiving Communion.
I am in labor.
I am still a zygote.
I am driving.
I am in a great big convoy with the hammer down and a smokey on my tail.
My battery is dead.
My phone is going through security.
My phone is being stolen.
My phone is being run over.
I am undergoing surgery.
I am performing surgery.
I am asleep. 
I am running a marathon.
I am on the black diamond hill. 
I am burying Grandma.
I am burying the evidence.
I am stuffing a turkey.
I am delivering a calf.
I am unaware that my phone is still on airplane mode.
I am stuck in quicksand.
I am mid-acupuncture.
I am doing an amazing double yo-yo trick.
I am walking down the aisle. 
I am traveling back in time.
I am in the middle of reciting my soliloquy in Act II.
I am one of the few people at the theatre who decided to silence their phone when the announcement asked me to.
I am having sex with someone really important.
I am on the other line with Obama.
I am juggling the firesticks and chainsaws.
I am holding newborn triplets.
I am subbing for Ringo.
I am being chased around my desk by my misogynist throwback of a boss.
I am trying on a wetsuit.
I am at bat.
I am currently running third in the hot dog eating contest.
I am diffusing a bomb.
I am talking on a real phone. 
I am in a bear suit.
I am being stared at by Don Rickles. 
I am being intubated.
I am floating amongst the wreckage.
I am in the Double Jeopardy round.
I am in the midst of fisticuffs.
I am unaware of this cellular telephone device of which you speak due to the amnesia.
I am tattooing a particularly complex kitten design.
I am accepting my People’s Choice Award.
I am swearing someone in.
I am on the mechanical bull.
I am posing for the statue.
I am guarding the palace.
I am fighting a fire.
I am on Lap 492.
I am carefully assembling the Whopper with cheese and extra pickle and no mayo.
I am fixing the door on the space station.
I am distracted by this ever-accelerating conveyor belt of chocolates.
I am throwing my phone as a last resort after firing all my bullets.
I am trying to cut down on the brain cancer.
I am already talking to you in person.
I am feeding the lions.
I am waiting for the phone to pass through my dog.
I am holding two marionettes.
I am deafened by the screams in my head.
I am trying to forget that you exist.
Yes indeed. Welcome to me.

No comments:

Post a Comment