from the vault: "legitimate reasons"

So here we are.

I have not been visited by the blog muse in recent days. No blogspiration from Carelessius, the Bloggoddess of Mundane Observations. And while this is “a blog that’s not a blog,” it’s still a blog in spite of its not being a blog by its very nature of being on Blogspot.

(No, that was not a challenge to see how many times I could use the word “blog” in a sentence.)

So I present to you a rerun of sorts, a humor piece posted on my website in its pre-blog days. Enjoy.

I CANNOT ANSWER MY CELL OR REPLY TO YOUR TEXT AT THIS VERY MOMENT, BECAUSE:

I am on the subway.

I am on a plane.

I am in the lavatory.

I am in the shower.

I am at the dentist.

I am on a trapeze.

I am swimming.

I am filming a tender love scene.

I am receiving Communion.

I am in labor.

I am still a zygote.

I am driving.

I am in a great big convoy with the hammer down and a smokey on my tail.

My battery is dead.

My phone is going through security.

My phone is being stolen.

My phone is being run over.

I am undergoing surgery.

I am performing surgery.

I am asleep. 

I am running a marathon.

I am on the black diamond hill. 

I am burying Grandma.

I am burying the evidence.

I am stuffing a turkey.

I am delivering a calf.

I am unaware that my phone is still on airplane mode.

I am stuck in quicksand.

I am mid-acupuncture.

I am doing an amazing double yo-yo trick.

I am walking down the aisle. 

I am traveling back in time.

I am in the middle of reciting my soliloquy in Act II.

I am one of the few people at the theatre who decided to silence their phone when the announcement asked me to.

I am having sex with someone really important.

I am on the other line with Obama.

I am juggling the firesticks and chainsaws.

I am holding newborn triplets.

I am subbing for Ringo.

I am being chased around my desk by my misogynist throwback of a boss.

I am trying on a wetsuit.

I am at bat.

I am currently running third in the hot dog eating contest.

I am diffusing a bomb.

I am talking on a real phone. 

I am in a bear suit.

I am being stared at by Don Rickles. 

I am being intubated.

I am floating amongst the wreckage.

I am in the Double Jeopardy round.

I am in the midst of fisticuffs.

I am unaware of this cellular telephone device of which you speak due to the amnesia.

I am tattooing a particularly complex kitten design.

I am accepting my People’s Choice Award.

I am swearing someone in.

I am on the mechanical bull.

I am posing for the statue.

I am guarding the palace.

I am fighting a fire.

I am on Lap 492.

I am carefully assembling the Whopper with cheese and extra pickle and no mayo.

I am fixing the door on the space station.

I am distracted by this ever-accelerating conveyor belt of chocolates.

I am throwing my phone as a last resort after firing all my bullets.

I am trying to cut down on the brain cancer.

I am already talking to you in person.

I am feeding the lions.

I am waiting for the phone to pass through my dog.

I am holding two marionettes.

I am deafened by the screams in my head.

I am trying to forget that you exist.

AT&T.

Yes indeed. Welcome to me.