So here we are.
I have not been visited by the blog muse in recent days. No blogspiration from Carelessius, the Bloggoddess of Mundane Observations. And while this is “a blog that’s not a blog,” it’s still a blog in spite of its not being a blog by its very nature of being on Blogspot.
(No, that was not a challenge to see how many times I could use the word “blog” in a sentence.)
So I present to you a rerun of sorts, a humor piece posted on my website in its pre-blog days. Enjoy.
I CANNOT ANSWER MY CELL OR REPLY TO YOUR TEXT AT THIS VERY MOMENT, BECAUSE:
I am on the subway.
I am on a plane.
I am in the lavatory.
I am in the shower.
I am at the dentist.
I am on a trapeze.
I am swimming.
I am filming a tender love scene.
I am receiving Communion.
I am in labor.
I am still a zygote.
I am driving.
I am in a great big convoy with the hammer down and a smokey on my tail.
My battery is dead.
My phone is going through security.
My phone is being stolen.
My phone is being run over.
I am undergoing surgery.
I am performing surgery.
I am asleep.
I am running a marathon.
I am on the black diamond hill.
I am burying Grandma.
I am burying the evidence.
I am stuffing a turkey.
I am delivering a calf.
I am unaware that my phone is still on airplane mode.
I am stuck in quicksand.
I am mid-acupuncture.
I am doing an amazing double yo-yo trick.
I am walking down the aisle.
I am traveling back in time.
I am in the middle of reciting my soliloquy in Act II.
I am one of the few people at the theatre who decided to silence their phone when the announcement asked me to.
I am having sex with someone really important.
I am on the other line with Obama.
I am juggling the firesticks and chainsaws.
I am holding newborn triplets.
I am subbing for Ringo.
I am being chased around my desk by my misogynist throwback of a boss.
I am trying on a wetsuit.
I am at bat.
I am currently running third in the hot dog eating contest.
I am diffusing a bomb.
I am talking on a real phone.
I am in a bear suit.
I am being stared at by Don Rickles.
I am being intubated.
I am floating amongst the wreckage.
I am in the Double Jeopardy round.
I am in the midst of fisticuffs.
I am unaware of this cellular telephone device of which you speak due to the amnesia.
I am tattooing a particularly complex kitten design.
I am accepting my People’s Choice Award.
I am swearing someone in.
I am on the mechanical bull.
I am posing for the statue.
I am guarding the palace.
I am fighting a fire.
I am on Lap 492.
I am carefully assembling the Whopper with cheese and extra pickle and no mayo.
I am fixing the door on the space station.
I am distracted by this ever-accelerating conveyor belt of chocolates.
I am throwing my phone as a last resort after firing all my bullets.
I am trying to cut down on the brain cancer.
I am already talking to you in person.
I am feeding the lions.
I am waiting for the phone to pass through my dog.
I am holding two marionettes.
I am deafened by the screams in my head.
I am trying to forget that you exist.
Yes indeed. Welcome to me.