de plane

So here we are.

Apparently Charlie Sheen, by his own account, is an F-18. 

Indeed, this statement may be courtesy of the demons that are surely whispering all sorts of helpful suggestions in his ears, but maybe he has a point. Granted, he didn’t just win a $35 billion contract from the government like Boeing just did. In fact, he just lost $1.2 million per episode. 

But considering he’s taped 178 episodes, well...

Oh, enough about obscene amounts of money the likes of which you and I can’t even comprehend because of all those zeros. Let’s take a look at the F-18, shall we?

According to the Navy’s website, the first F-18s were operational in 1983. That was around the time Charlie Sheen was filming 1984’s Red Dawn, his screen debut, according to IMDB. The next models hit the air in 1987. Charlie Sheen ruled 1987 with Wall Street. And of course, the Blue Angels started flying the F-18s in 1986. Hello? Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? Lucas? Platoon? Charlie’s career took off right alongside the Angels. Whooooooosh.

The Navy site also states that “the F/A-18 demonstrated its capabilities and versatility during Operation Desert Storm.” Surely those troops were in line for 1991’s Hot Shots! and carrying VHS tapes of 1988‘s Eight Men Out and 1989‘s Major League in their duffels. 

I know what you’re going to do next. You’re going to pause and say, “hmm...versatility?” Sure! One baseball player was a hot shot and the other baseball player was accused of throwing the World Series. Also, one hot shot was a ball player and one hot shot was a fighter pilot. Totally different! Duh!

And true, the F-18 is noted by the Federation of American Scientists to have a lack of range. Granted, by “range” they mean distance; however, you can write your own punchline about an actor who is currently best known for playing a self-destructive alcoholic womanizer.

Yes, the analogy begins to fall apart a little when I read how the F-18’s control system is excellent at handling. (The words “control” and “handling” may not belong in the same sentence as “excellent” in this particular context.) The word “reliability” also comes up a lot when researching the F-18. I did just hear on the news that Charlie is still planning to show up for work to an empty sound stage on Monday. And he does claim to show up for work on time. Hmm...

It is also designed to dogfight and attack ground targets, as well as be a fighter escort. 

I can’t. It’s too easy. (I mean, “escort” is right there!)

Let’s face it. Charlie Sheen is right. He is an F-18. And if he’s right about that, he must be right about everything. I anxiously await the day I can read the poetry that currently resides in his fingertips.

Don’t misunderstand me. I am not particularly interested in the misadventures of Emilio Estevez’s brother. But I was fascinated by the comparison to a fighter plane. Because I too have been graced with the moniker of a fellow Boeing product.

Nearly twenty years ago, during my brief but powerfully memorable venture into the world of Burger King, I was so truly dazzling in my abilities to show up on time and do the simple tasks that were asked of me with such efficiency that I took less than 75 days to rise from shoving buns and frozen patties into the grill machine to Employee of the Month. As such, one of my managers, George, referred to me as a B-52. Not the band, he said, but the fighter plane. Because I could do more than one thing, he said. 

Well well, I thought. All right. Not too shabby. I might have been but a splinter on the lowest rung of the ladder, but I was being compared to something that soared. 

Cut to today's quest for aircraft knowledge (solely for the sake of blog smart-assery). While I was at it, I looked up the B-52. Know what I found out?

The Air Force refers to the B-52 as the BUFF, or Big Ugly Fat F**ker. Fantastic. Happy Friday to me.

So, I guess I’m no Charlie Sheen. But then again... I’m no Charlie Sheen.

Yes indeed. Welcome to me.