So here we are, a few days ago:
Wait a minute... did I just see the word “Duran” on that webpage? Twice in succession? That can’t be possible. I’m not on AOL News. I’m reading the New York Times site while it’s still free. It’s an Associated Press story. These guys are serious journalists. They wouldn’t use an antiquated word like “Duran” unless it’s an article about 80s nostalgia. That must be it. It must be a story about the 80s.
Wow. No. No, it’s not. Hmm. Wait a minute, what?
It’s a review?
You’re telling me Duran Duran has a new album out? Oh, now you’re joking. This must be April Fool’s Day. You’re playing a gag on me. That’s what it is.
Hmm. No... it’s not April 1st. That’s odd. My computer says it’s still March. So does my phone. Something must be wrong with my iCal. That’s it. A virus or something. I’ll just take this laptop to the Apple Store and --
-- really? So there’s nothing wrong with my calendar? So it’s not April 1st? So what you’re saying is, Duran Duran really does have a new album out? Come on. That’s ridiculous. Duran Duran hasn’t recorded anything since the early 90s. Then they gave up, like all reasonable musicians do, right? They opened a store or became carpenters or something, right?
Oh sure, maybe they joined one of those summer concert lineups and went on tour with Howard Jones and a-ha and the Bangles. I could see that. I mean, they had great songs. They could feasibly still be playing Rio somewhere for the 40-something crowd and making a fine living. That I can believe. But they stopped recording a long time ago. That’s for sure.
Don’t tell me I don’t know. I know. I know Duran Duran. I love Duran Duran. I have their Greatest Hits. They were perfect back in the day but the day is done now. Plus, I don’t even think Simon LeBon is still alive.
What? Wait, what? He is? You’re kidding. When didn’t he die?
Are you serious? They recorded an album in 2007? Oh, come on. Really, you’re just making stuff up now... and one in 2004? No. No way. You must mean that they remastered one of their old albums. Or, I don’t know, put out a live album. I’m going on iTunes right now. You’ll see.
What the --
I’m sorry, what?
What the hell is this? How is this possible? How is it possible that they put out albums in 1997 and 2000? I mean, after 1995’s Thank You, why would they bother to keep trying?
I don’t get it. I just --
---what? You’re telling me the new one’s good? Come on. I have The Wedding Album. Those were the last dregs of goodness. I’m not a fool.
Okay, okay. I’ll admit, those preview snippets on iTunes are promising. But it can’t be real. It just can’t.
You know what must have happened? The earthquake in Japan was so severe that it must have created some sort of ripple in the time-space continuum and we’re actually back in 1985, but some sort of alternative 1985 where we have iPods and texting. That must be it. Yeah, I buy that. That makes much more sense.
Because why else would we be talking about Qaddafi all over again? I thought we already dealt with Libya in 1986.
Yes indeed. Welcome to me.