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Saturday, July 20, 2013


So here we are, in a parallel universe:

I can’t wait for the day that we finally develop cars that run on the ground, and I don’t understand why we don’t have them yet. 

We have all this technology, and we can’t make a rolling car? It would be so simple to just take one of our existing flying cars, put however many wheels you think you need on them and then they could move on the Earth. We could create special driving lanes, dedicated just for the cars. It would be so much easier, because I am so damned tired of these sky-jams.

It’s gotten worse since the drones started becoming so prevalent. Between the drones and the commercial airlines, and the private planes and the recreational gliders, you can’t even fly your car to the corner replicated goods station without getting stuck in traffic. I swear, my flying car spends so much time hovering, it might as well be a damned helicopter!

And these people with their jet-packs! Idiots! They’ll just zip in front of you without even looking where they’re going. Oh, and don’t get me started on those retro-hipsters with their ridiculous hot-air balloons... they’re the reason why we have all this air-rage. I wish I had some darts. 

Think about it. If cars just moved on the ground and they happened to crash into each other, the wreckage wouldn’t keep raining down on everyone’s backyards in the lower atmospheres. How great would that be, to not have to keep paying those outrageously expensive roof insurance premiums? It would solve so many problems if we just got rid of all these flying cars. I hate them. I hate my flying car.

I hear that there are some guys in Europe who are working on a rolling-car, but they’re having problems with the design and keeping the costs low. Plus there’s a big issue with ground rights and oversight and what kind of fuel those cars would run on. It’s probably the government’s fault. They don’t want us to have ground-cars. I can’t figure out why. Rolling ground cars would be so amazing. So Earth-age.

Remember when you were a kid, and science fiction was full of rolling cars? Rolling cars, and stationary sidewalks... Everyone was walking everywhere and it looked so cool! They cooked actual food instead of taking these stupid little nutritional pills. And no one was dressed alike! Everyone wore something different! Flouncy blouses, blue jeans, sweaters, ballgowns, tuxedos... none of this shiny mylar unitard crap. They promised us! The future promised us denim!! Denim!!! And motorcycles!! I want my motorcycle!! Do you hear me?!? Why aren’t we living that “Grass Trek” life yet???

Eh, forget it. This is reality. Some things aren’t meant to be. I should just replicate a cup of digital tea, snuggle up with my robot dog, pretend he’s real, oil up my cyborg extremities and dream of a day where nobody lives forever and this boring-ass life in the sky can finally come to an end.

Yes indeed. Welcome to me.


  1. Never seeing any cogently-outlined air traffic laws in science fiction films, novellas, or televisions series has always bugged the crap out of me. No lanes, no hover pack-clad traffic cops, nothing. Call me a pessimist, but I have a difficult time believing that reckless driving became a thing of the past with the invention of the flying car.

    Also, if I drank coffee, the "retro hipsters" bit would have undoubtedly caused me to spew it all over my monitor in a fit of laughter.

  2. Now there's a fine way to commemorate the moon landing.