So here we are.
Ooh, what have we here? A toothy entertainment news gal is chatting up a brand-new-mama actress on the red carpet! Let’s eavesdrop, shall we?
TOOTHY ENTERTAINMENT NEWS GAL: Oh, my gosh! Here we are, talking to [Brand New Mama Actress], who’s a brand new mama! You look fantastic!
BRAND NEW MAMA ACTRESS: Thank you.
GAL: No, I mean it! You really look fantastic! How did you lose all that baby weight?
MAMA: You know, breastfeeding really helped a lot with that.
GAL: Seriously? Because your transformation is so incredible.
MAMA: And of course, there was some diet and exercise, too.
GAL: That’s it? Because you just gave birth a month ago and you were the size of a house!
MAMA: Well, it was a lot of exercise. A lot. I actually can’t stop. In fact, standing here and talking to you now is the longest I’ve gone without exercising. But I’m trying to do isometric squeezes as we speak.
GAL: But my goodness, you were huge! And now you’re just this little slip of a thing! There must have been more to it than just that.
MAMA: To be honest, all I eat are chia seeds.
GAL: But come on, sweetie, look at you! Chia seeds and nonstop exercise did all this in just one month? I don’t believe that. You don’t go from whale to frail in 30 days without some sort of secret formula!
MAMA: I did take up smoking. That helped control my appetite. I mean, I don’t even want to eat the chia seeds anymore. Sometimes I just have a teaspoon of sriracha at noon and I’m good for the day. So, that’s a little boost.
GAL: A little boost? Oh, please, hon. You look stunning! There’s nothing left of you! Those tabloid pictures of you coming home from the hospital were brutal! I would have killed myself if I ever looked like that!
MAMA: The tapeworm I swallowed got me sick, so that helped things along.
GAL: See, tapeworms never work for me. You lucky thing. But still. You lost a ton of weight in no time at all. I’m not even exaggerating. A literal ton.
MAMA: I’ll admit that I also had a bit of liposuction.
GAL: It had to be more than a bit, darling. Everyone thought you’d destroyed your career, you looked so fat and hideous! And now you’re so healthy-looking! Look at your shoulder blades! They look so sharp and healthy! And that breastbone crater you have now is just gorgeous. You’re such a vision of what every Hollywood starlet should look like.
MAMA: Yeah, I had the lipo pretty much everywhere. I haven’t been able to pick up my baby since I had her because of all the abdominal bruising when the suction tube hit my muscle wall.
GAL: Well, it’s been worth it, because you look absolutely terrific. Congratulations on such a huge accomplishment.
MAMA: And the cocaine really helped speed up my metabolism.
GAL: (to camera) Okay, let’s cut. (to MAMA) You know what? We really don’t want to encourage drugs to our audience. It might give them the wrong idea, and we in entertainment news don’t want to be seen as being irresponsible to our younger viewers. So why don’t we start this interview over again and when I asked you how you dropped that 60 pounds of baby weight in a month, you just say “breastfeeding,” okay?
GAL: But you really do look amazing.
MAMA: Thank you.
GAL: By the way, do you have any upcoming projects?
MAMA: I’m supposed to start a new movie in a couple of weeks, but I need to take off five more pounds first.
GAL: You are vomiting, right?
MAMA: Oh, fuck yeah.
GAL: But don’t say that on camera.
MAMA: Say what, fuck or vomiting?
MAMA: Of course. I know I’m a role model.
GAL: Well, you have another twenty pounds to go before anyone calls you a model. Okay, let’s start this again.
Yes indeed. Welcome to me.