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Monday, April 15, 2013

just once

So here we are.

It’s tax day. And just once, I’d like to see a tax day go by without hearing “Taxman” - or songs with “Money” in the title - played everywhere, or seeing the local news go out on the street and ask people if they’ve paid their taxes and then show the long lines at the post office, or reading all the same old crap about “oh-so-tired-of-taxes.” Have a penguin do the weather or something instead. I’ll take anything different. Just once.

And while I’m at it, there are a lot of other things I’d like to see happen just once:

Just once, I’d like to see a reality show without “talking head” interviews. Knowing what a person is thinking when he or she is doing something outrageous/horrible/unwise doesn’t make the deed any less outrageous/horrible/unwise.

Just once, I’d like to see a local news team cover the Thanksgiving holiday without sending a reporter out to the middle of a turkey farm. Why don’t they send reporters to a soybean field to visit all the future tofurkeys? There would be much less noise and pecking. 

Just once, I’d like to watch an old TV show without seeing commercials for walk-in tubs, motorized chairs, incontinence supplies  or life insurance for retirees. I want to see Bob Newhart, not constantly be reminded of my impending deterioration.

Just once, I’d like to see a local news team cover a snowstorm without talking to all the same little kids who are out sledding. It interrupts the kids's fun and frankly, I've never heard anything particularly insightful from the wee scamps. Why don’t they do a story about the unique fragrance of wet newspaper, sweat and anxiety that always seems to emanate from the subways whenever it snows?

Just one, I’d like the Empire State Building to be lit in my colors. (My image team is working on what those are. You’d be surprised how many of them are already taken.)

Just once, I’d like a romantic comedy to end with no one having learned anything or realized anything, just like in real life. People fall in love without a predictable third-act plot twist every dang day! 

Just once, I’d like the wishes I make on my evil enchanted monkey’s paw not end in ironic tragedy. (Aw, crap... was that just a wish?)

Just once, I’d like to get a spam email for something I might actually be interested in, like ice cream. Not that I’d click on it. I can get my own ice cream. But it would be refreshing.

Just once, I’d like to be able to stick my hand in a beehive for a giant Winnie-the-Pooh-esque palmful of honey and not get the dickens stung out of me.

Just once, I’d like to be surprised and have all the breathless hype about the new whatever-it-is actually be worth it. 

Just once, I’d like to see a pregnant character attend a sitcom wedding without going into labor in the middle of it.

Just once, I’d like to go back in time without creating all those paradoxes.

Just once, I’d like to watch a dog show without the commentators using excessive alliteration or the term “top dog.” 

And just once, I’d like to not be able to finish a milkshake. 

Now, just twice, I’d like... oh, never mind.

Yes indeed. Welcome to me.

1 comment:

  1. Kept a running total while reading this. Actual, audible laughs: 2. Smiles, grins, and related facial gestures: 12. Number of times I read the phrase "Just once" and heard the voice of Jeffrey Osborne singing it to me: 14.