Right now, the "web…blah…log" is not being updated regularly, but feel free to peruse the archive, and check out our carefully selected highlights from Season One, Season Two, and Season Three.

Sunday, April 21, 2013


So here we are.

Pardon me, but I’m a little grumpy, and as such, I have some things to shout out to certain entities: 

Hey, movie - you’re not fooling me. I know that this wedding that you’re setting up in the first two scenes probably isn’t going to happen, and if it does, it’s not going to end well.

Hey, Broadway - putting an ingenue in glasses does not make her a character actress.

Hey, yogurt - give it a rest, already. You’re everywhere. Relax.

Hey, email - I am not interested in affordable cigars or replacement windows. It’s been almost twenty years. You should know by now that I do not want your Canadian Viagra.

Hey, TV networks - If you’re taking the time to create anti-bullying PSAs, then it might be a good idea to make sure that your shows don’t get their biggest laughs by making fun of other people. 

Hey, pretentious-but-delicious coffee place with nothing but agave syrup and raw sugar - Lady wants Splenda, you hippies. 

Hey drugstore chain - when I buy ice cream at your establishment with my loyalty card, I don’t need you to print me out a coupon for weight-loss supplements on my receipt, okay? You probably think that’s hilarious. Listen, you smart-asses, at least the stuff that’s in my ice cream is cleared by the FDA. 

Hey, commercial for that new prescription medication - if one of your long list of side effects (read in that quick, hushed, throwaway tone that you think I won’t notice) is death, then I’m going to have to say no thank you very much. 

Hey, newspapers - stop laying off all of your copyeditors. I don’t care how good your content is, if I see the spelling “Jackie O’Nassis,” I’m going to presume the story was written by a fourth-grader.

Hey, people who say no one needs to learn cursive writing - I got a letter from my bank, signed by the branch president. Let’s call him Bill Jones. His signature was in such bad grade-school cursive that it looked like he wasn’t actually responsible branch president Bill Jones, but rather little Billy from up the street who delivers the newspapers and wears a beanie. Do people want to trust their bank accounts to little Billy from up the street who delivers the newspapers and wears a beanie? Do you  - or your children - want to someday claw your way up the ladder to become the CEO of a company only to have your horrible signature make people think that you’re little Billy from up the street who delivers the newspapers and wears a beanie, just because you thought that cursive wasn’t necessary? 

Hey, science - make up your mind about the damned carbs already.

Hey, cable news - if you don’t have actual news to report, especially during an important breaking news event, then put on a puppet show or make balloon animals or do a cooking segment. Don’t interview a pundit who is just blowing smoke into your orifices and calling that smoke fact. Don’t just speculate. Do us all a favor and just have Ron Popeil standing by at all times to demonstrate his new chopping-slicing-thingy, or maybe Mister Produce to show us what fruits and veggies are in season right now, or something like that if you should ever find yourself at a loss for real information. 

Hey, today - you’re going to be history tomorrow.

Hey, Kool-Aid - Oh yeah! Also, I hear you are no longer wearing clothes. Good, because I found that creepy. Soft drinks shouldn’t need pants. (I can’t believe I wrote that sentence.)

Yes indeed. Welcome to me. 

P.S. Hey, you - if you feel that this is too similar to my last post, “just once,” you’re probably right. Oh, well. You get what you pay for. 

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