internet, captured

So here we are.

I finally figured out that most of the non-porn, non-commerce Internet is all the same. It goes like this:

THE ORIGINAL STORY:

One or more of the following: News story. Statement. Opinion. Statistic. Humorous observation. Review. Handy tip. Warning. 

End of Post. Advertisement. 

COMMENTS SECTION:

Comment #1: Brag that she/he is first to comment, but does not actually comment.

Comment #2: Single word of positivity (i.e. great!, cool!, or yay!). Commenter #2 is probably the author’s former friend from high school.

Comment #3: Rails against stereotypes and tropes found in the original story, but also manages to throw in an non-ironic usage of FAIL.

Comment #4: Uses all-caps to describe his/her displeasure at the current government/administration, regardless of the fact that the original story has nothing to do with politics.

Reply to Comment #4: Strong disagreement with Commenter #4‘s political views. Stronger disagreement with Commenter #4‘s use of all-caps. 

Reply to Reply to Comment #4: Supports the views of Commenter #4, makes an unfounded derogatory statement about the mother of the Replier to Commenter #4, and brings various Deities into the conversation.

All Replies to the Reply to Reply to Comment #4 have been removed by the site administrator.

Comment #5: Makes bold sweeping statement of society in general that stems solely from his/her own personal experience. He/she has never had a checking account, answering machine, or landline telephone, therefore no one in the world uses them anymore. Conversely, he/she has a DVR, smartphone, and high-speed wireless internet, therefore everyone else in the world does, too... or should. 

Comment #6: Promises that you too can lose weight or find love if you click on this link. 

Comment #7: Tells a very long, very personal story that involves tragedy and loss to make no related point to the original story whatsoever. 

Comment #8: Mentions how fat everyone is getting these days.

Twenty Replies to Comment #8: Shames the fat-shaming.

Reply to Twenty Replies to Comment #8: Personal anecdote about how naturally thin he/she is and how it’s just as bad to thin-shame.

Different Reply to Twenty Replies to Comment #8: Personal anecdote about how he/she lost a lot of weight once and it was so simple and easy and why doesn’t everyone else just do that too. 

Comment #9: Tries to make a highly educated argument by way of length and fancy words, misuses and misspells most of them. 

Comment #10: Conspiracy theorist.

Reply to Comment #10: Commenter #4 hops on board.

One hundred Replies to Reply to Comment #10: Exactly what you think they’d be.

Comments #11 - #103: A hearty stew of spam, self-promotion, smugness, ignorance, and vitriol that touch upon every hot-button issue of the day except for the actual content of the original story.

Comment #104: Recipe for Texas sheet cake.

Reply to Comment #104: Commenter #104 apologizing for accidentally posting recipe for Texas sheet cake in the wrong comment thread. Inserts link to her recipe subscription website. Says you’ll love it. Also accepts Paypal.

Comment #105: Someone spoils the ending of Citizen Kane for no good reason.

Site Administrator: Comments are now closed.

Yup. That’s the Internet in a nutshell.

Yes indeed. Welcome to me.