So here we are.
I have an announcement to make that may come as a bit of a shock to you. It has to do with the future of my career, since I am currently staring down a dark alley of unemployment ahead of me.
I’ve put a lot of thought into this, as decisions like these cannot be made recklessly. There have been sleepless nights and many tears in this difficult battle between my heart and reality. But after wrestling with the pros and cons, weighing all of my options, and seeking counsel from trusted friends and advisors, I came to the realization that a person must ultimately choose the path that will be the most beneficial; not just for herself, but for the greater good.
So it is with a heavy heart that I say the following to you now:
I am not running for president.
I know. You’re crushed. It seemed like a given, didn’t it? A struggling actress with no discernible talent for politics gets a makeover and a press rep, makes a few “I’m just an actor with a dream for America” speeches peppered with Generation X pop-culture references and takes Iowa by storm. It’s a tale as old as time, and one that practically writes itself. I mean, at this point it’s almost a cliché. Nevertheless, I’m afraid it’s a tale that will have to remain a staple of LIfetime Original Movies and failed network TV pilots.
Believe me, I am as disappointed as you are. I was truly looking forward to the hell and mud of the campaign trail, since it’s nothing compared to the hell and mud of auditioning. A run would have netted me a lot of TV work, or at the very least, some voiceover gigs. Think of all the different character voices I could have used to say, “My name is Stephanie D’Abruzzo and I approve this message!” Booking The Colbert Report would have really stood out on my resumé. And I surely would have been lampooned on SNL. That’s the sort of name recognition that could only lead to prime time guest-shots and roles in indie films, right? You bet your ass right.
It would have paid off down the line as well. Former presidents don’t get called for jury duty. Even the lousy ones get treated with dignity and respect once they’re out of office, and some of them even get honorary degrees. (What a great way to make me seem smarter!) And my presidential library would have made for a great off-site storage space. That would have been win-win, seeing as how I know you’re just dying to see the lovely Tiffany & Co. paperweight I got after taping a Video Daily Double clue for Jeopardy! in 2004.
Not to mention the fact that there is a spectacular burger joint just north of Dupont Circle, and the Eggs Chesapeake at Old Ebbitt Grill -- just a stone’s throw from the Oval Office -- is magnificent.
Oh, and I wanted to make America better, too. I probably should have mentioned that first.
I know you must be dying to know why I made this difficult choice. There were simply too many reasons not to run, and not just because of gross incompetence on my part. For one thing, I’d probably have to join Facebook. No thanks. Also, even though I can’t think of anything I’ve ever done that would potentially derail my campaign, I’m sure that my opponents would come up with something, and it’s bad enough to be brought down by your own foibles, but to be brought down by completely fabricated ones would simply be too much to bear.
Plus, it’s hard to be president. Even for 400 grand a year and having a personal chef and at least one term of never flying coach, it seems to be a bit of a thankless job. I could get practically the same thing just by being the lead in a hit TV series once we got to third season renegotiations, and unless the writing on it is really horrible, I don’t think I’d even run the risk of being assassinated. Plus I could do films on my hiatus. Presidents don’t get a hiatus at all. Land of the free, indeed.
In the end, however, it came down to one crucial element: I don’t look good in pantsuits. At all.
Forgive me, America.
Yes indeed. Welcome to me.