So here we are.
An odd thing happened when I tried to post something to this web…blah…log earlier this year. I got the following form letter:
Thank you for your submission to the Internet. Unfortunately, at this time, we are no longer seeking mindless personal essays such as the one you have tried to post. As we are sure you can understand, we already have so many of these that we simply have no more room for them. If in the future the day comes when anyone actually takes down his/her rambling stories about that time he/she did something seemingly innocuous that led to a disastrous adventure and ultimately taught him/her a life-changing lesson, making room for other such literary selfies, we will contact you.
It may also be of value to you to know other things that we are no longer able to accept:
Chocolate chip cookie recipes. We have every possible variation known to man -- including chocolate chip cookie recipes that do not even call for chocolate chips -- and are simply not in need of any more.
Pictures and videos of any baby animal: puppies, kittens, pandas, chicks, piglets, bears, orangutans… especially pictures of them nestled in unexpected places, like jack-o-lanterns or teacups or salad bowls. Seriously. Stop. You’re killing us.
Porn. We have more porn -- of every imaginable kind -- than anyone could possibly look at in a lifetime, even if that lifetime was spent entirely in a parent’s basement. Even the most obscure fetishes (i.e. prisoners’ toenail clippings) are represented by shots, videos, and stories that number in the quadrillions. If that’s not enough porn for you, then you need to start your own Internet. Go ahead. We dare you.
All-cap screeds, manifestos and conspiracy theories. (This has become a liability issue as well, but mostly it’s because now people are writing all-cap screeds, manifestos and conspiracy theories *about* the all-cap screeds, manifestos and conspiracy theories, and it’s just getting way too creepy.)
Pictures and videos of your children. We know, they are adorable. And yes, they are special. And of course, you want the world to see them, because your angels are nothing like anyone else’s. But that’s why Man invented wallet-size photos and lockets. Annoy people face-to-face like your ancestors used to do.
Count Chocula - Frankenberry - Boo Berry fan fiction. It’s not that there’s a lot, but there’s enough.
Made-up bullshit quizzes about how to figure out which “Mad Men” character you are, or what kind of ice cream flavor reflects your personality. We love wasting time, too, but seriously, nobody’s getting anything done anymore.
YouTube videos of stupid people doing stupid things. Really, we have more than enough already, thank you. And no, we don’t need smart people doing stupid things, either. We have plenty of stupid things on video. Trust us. We’re good.
Recaps of television shows written by contributors who are paid by the word and clearly believe that on the Internet, “recap” is another word for “AP English book report.” We’d rather use our available space for actual TV shows that people can just sit and enjoy, not pick apart until all the fun is sucked out of them.
Also, we are filling up fast with selfies and latte art.
We thank you for your continuing interest in the Internet and hope you will try to submit to us again soon.
(Needless to say, this didn’t really happen. But don’t you wish every now and then that it did?)
Yes indeed. Welcome to me.