twitter psa

So here we are.

It has been exactly two months since I joined Twitter under my actual name. I have learned much in this time, and since I work a lot in educational television I feel that it is my responsibility to pass on some of that learning to my devoted dozens. Also, just in case I ever do anything bad, maybe this can act as pre-emptive community service, since I don’t think I can pull off the orange-vest look. So, here now is a public service announcement...

HOW TO ENSURE THAT YOU WILL NEVER SEND OUT AN EMBARRASSING, INFLAMMATORY, OR INSULTING TWEET THAT WILL HAUNT YOU FOREVER:

Compose tweet but do not send out 

Check tweet for spelling and grammar

Make sure that the app you use for spelling and grammar is trustworthy and not one that you got free with the counterfeit wallet you bought out of the trunk of a 1975 Firebird (not that such apps exist, but you can never be too careful)

Check tweet for sanity and clarity

Count to ten

Go get a snack

Eat snack slowly

Go back to tweet

Double-check tweet for sanity and clarity

Check tweet for accuracy (for example, if your tweet is in reference to a celebrity death you just found out about on Twitter, make sure said celebrity is actually dead)

Read a book

Read another book

Watch the movies based on those books

Wash your face

Walk the dog. If you don’t have a dog, maybe go get a dog

Go back to tweet

Triple-check tweet for sanity and clarity

Check tweet for inflammatory watchwords; consider that even something seemingly innocuous like “bacon” may be an inflammatory watchword today based on some random event you might not have heard about yet

Go back and forth about whether to use that serial comma or not

Look up what “serial comma” means, then engage in online debate about it for several days

Go back to tweet

Hover over “tweet” button, do not click

Delete tweet

Compose entirely new tweet but do not send out

Repeat

Sure, this defeats the immediacy and entire purpose of Twitter, but now you can rest easy knowing that your embarrassing, inflammatory or insulting tweet will never be embedded in a poorly written HuffPo article for everyone to point and laugh at.

Of course, if you purposely intend to post such an embarrassing, inflammatory or insulting tweet that becomes embedded in a poorly written HuffPo article that everybody points and laughs at just so it possibly brings you that Internet fame you’ve been craving because all other success has eluded you and all you want is notoriety and you don’t care how it happens anymore… you may completely disregard this PSA.

However, if that is indeed the case and our paths ever cross, know that I will slap your stupid face.

Yes indeed. Welcome to me.