app-tastic

So here we are.

You do not have to tell me that I am behind the Internet curve. I did not  launch my personal website until several years ago. I did not start this web...blah...log until the waning months of 2010. I finally just dipped my real toe into Twitter after more than a year with a fake-name-just-lurking-for-food-trucks account. I am still not, and will never be, on Facebook. 

But now I know where it’s at. One word, Benjamin. Are you listening? 

Apps.

And I don’t mean apps that are work tools or brain games or time-wasters or virtual versions of real things (like lighters and coins and pianos). I mean a personal app for me, so that anyone with a smartphone or tablet can, essentially, buy me and carry me around with you all day long. If you’re into that sort of thing, that is.

I still assert that I am not a brand, as I wrote this past fall in “branded.” But I say that you can be an app without being a brand. Yes, Angry Birds is a brand. But a flashlight is not a brand. And there are a whole mess of flashlight apps out there. So ha. 

All the celebrities are doing the app thing: Bill Cosby, David Hasselhoff, Tiger Woods, Steve Forbes, Lady Gaga. Granted, I am not a celebrity -- and nor do I want to be -- but it’s just a matter of time before us non-celebrities are part of the app market as well! 

So what would my app entail? 

Silly stories and essays are already covered by this web...blah...log. Shameless self-promotion and look-at-me’s! are covered with Twitter. Photos and resumes and FAQs are covered by my website. Goodness knows that nobody on this planet or any other is clamoring for anything more than that when it comes to Stephanie D’Abruzzo: Mostly Unknown Wannabe Hyphenate... and sometimes, they’re not even clamoring for any less than that.  

But you gotta have a gimmick, or at least paraphrase one. So when you purchase your D’Appbruzzo (patent pending), you might get the following features:

• Curve-Enhancer: You can set your app to receive random text messages from me to suggest that maybe you should get yourself something delicious right now. For a few dollars more, the Deluxe App will give you detailed suggestions of deliciousness, taking into careful consideration whether it is Cadbury Creme Egg season or not, the weather and meltability index of ice cream, and your proximity to well-known bakeries. 

• Worth It/Not Worth It: Take a picture of any candy label and the app will tell you if it’s worth your time and calories. (Warning: this feature may result in a cease-and-desist letter from the Palmer’s Company and/or whichever company makes those little waxy chocolate coins and may be removed.)

• The Muppet Farmer Says: Take advantage of my talents gleaned from two decades of playing Muppet animals on Sesame Street! How does the Muppet chicken go? Just tap the Muppet chicken! How does the Muppet cow go? Just tap the Muppet cow! How does the anthropomorphic Muppet pig go? Just tap the Muppet pig wearing overalls! How does the NON-anthropomorphic Muppet pig go? Just tap the Muppet pig that looks more like a real pig than the Muppet pig wearing overalls! This is a great feature for when you feel like handing off your $400 phone to your drooling toddler because you are just that tired. Or, if you should ever forget how the Muppet penguin goes. (Warning: this feature may result in a cease-and-desist letter from both Sesame Workshop and Mattel and may be removed.)

• I Feel Pretty: Feeling bad about yourself? This feature shows you a slideshow history of all my bad perms, set to underground audio of every sour note I have ever hit. You can also choose the slideshow of pictures that were taken of me mid-song that make my face look like Buddy Hackett’s.  Still not enough? The Deluxe App will show you a secret video of me flapping my arms in a sleeveless dress. 

• NY-See-I-Told-You-So: Let my Type-A preparedness and years of city living finally be used for good! Get a daily text reminding you to carry a damned umbrella and wear a damned hat and put on your damned sunscreen! In the Deluxe App, take a picture of those ridiculously expensive stilettos you’re eyeing and get a text back telling to to choose something you can actually walk in, dammit, unless you can afford car service everywhere.

• HoLoPoPoMo To Go: Bring the fun of web...blah...log’s November 2012 Horribly Local Poor Poetry Month to your phone or tablet with a random generator that strings together the most pedestrian and non-poetic words that happen to rhyme. Just enter a nonsensical subject for a Horribly Local Poor Poem and let the C-minus literary games begin!

• Dessert 8-Ball: Exactly what it sounds like: ask the app if you should order dessert and shake your phone. Answers include: Ice cream just slides and fills in the empty spaces!, Go for it - fat is nature’s collagen!, and Why else would you go out to dinner in the first place?.

Yep. So once I learn how to write code in my spare time, I’ll be diving into the future! The future of uselessness on a shiny glass slab!

And this, kids, is how you get ahead in the world: you sell yourself, 99 cents at a time.

Yes indeed. Welcome to me.