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Friday, January 4, 2013


So here we are.

I’m no psychic, but I’ll tell you what’s in store for us in 2013:

Horrible things will happen in the world. Amazing things will happen in the world. Wonderful things will happen in the world. Sad things will happen in the world. And the only lasting legacy of any of these things will be hashtags.

There is a song that has not been written or recorded yet which will dominate the world this year. First we will love it, then we will hate it, then we will play it at weddings and bar mitzvahs until the end of time. In five years it will become dissected in many online articles and discussions. In ten years it will be nostalgia. When the artist who sings it eventually dies, it will be hailed as a work of genius, or at least revived in countless clip reels.

There will be a new food craze. It may or may not involve bacon. If you don’t find out about it from all the Instagrams, the local news pieces that mispronounce it, your state fair, or Rachael Ray, you will find out about it next year after the craze has peaked and passed.

A new product will be introduced to the market and will flop. An old product will be discontinued but will have a small, loyal Internet following who will try to save it.

Two celebrities will meet, and cause massive speculation on their romantic status, and possibly marry, and probably break up, and the world will somehow keep spinning.

You will be pressured to upgrade something you already have. 

Someone famous will get in trouble with the law. 

Someone famous will die whom you thought was already dead.

Someone famous will give birth to someone who will need a lot of therapy someday, and not just because he or she was given a ridiculous name.

Something seemingly insignificant will happen that will, in several years or decades, have a deep and lasting impact on the world at large.

A really good mom-and-pop store or restaurant will go out of business. 

There will be a TV show that everyone talks about.

Flights will be delayed and canceled.

Water will fall from the sky.

Grudges will be held.

An animal will be adorable.

Hope will be grasped at.

Donald Trump will continue to be himself.

Someone will be born who will go on to do something great. Someone else will be born who will grow up to be a horrible person.

There will be a day where you eat something you absolutely love and it will make you smile.

Someone will do something ridiculous and post it on YouTube.

Someone will fail. Someone will succeed. Someone will quit. Someone will keep trying even though that someone should probably quit. Someone will let success go to his or her head. Someone will win. Someone will lose. Someone will come in second and not know what the hell to make of it.

There will be disappointment. There will be joy. And someone’s mother will be let down.

There will still be peanut butter.

And finally, despite it being 2013, there will not be robot butlers, food replicators and jet packs in every home. 

Oh, well. At least some things are certain in an uncertain world.

Yes indeed. Welcome to me.

1 comment:

  1. At least there will still be peanut butter. I can afford peanut butter. As for the rest of your predictions, I say start your own telephone psychic business.

    P.S. I wanted to thank you and the other Muppet Performers for putting together the Jerry Nelson Tribute at MOMA. I am glad Mr. Nelson received such a loving send-off. He deserved it. I'm extremely pissed that his passing went unrecognized by a large portion of the industry he was a part of (and above.)