So here we are.
Everything you are doing is wrong.
You are driving the wrong car. It is not as fun as a car can be. Or it is just not good enough. You need a new one. We are not giving you a new one. We are just telling you that you need a new one. And get a new bike, too, so you don’t have to drive your new car so much. You drive your car too much. Shame on you.
Your home is all wrong. The colors of your walls are hideous and outdated. You have the wrong furniture and you have no flow. You need to buy this, this, this and this. Then you need new carpeting. Then you need to tear up that carpeting because no one is doing carpeting anymore. Parquet floors are elegant. You don’t have one? Get one installed. You’d better do it soon, or everyone will hate you.
Look at this horrible spice rack. Your spices are in terrible need of overhaul. Get them out of the rack. Buy new containers for them. Or buy fresh herbs. Or grow them yourself. That’s not real cinnamon. Did you know that? You need real cinnamon. You can find it at a specialty store or online. Of course it’s pricier, because it’s better. Go. Now. Get new knives while you’re out, too.
You shouldn’t store your dishes the way you’re storing them. Get new summery dishes for all of those summer garden parties you’re having on your breezy patio. What? You’re not having a summer garden party? You’d better get on that. And be sure to make sumptuous victuals that are fresh, healthy, local, organic, vegan-friendly, gluten-free, sugar-free, nut-free, and made with exciting ingredients like quinoa and jicama. You need a special grilling basket for your barbecue to make them. You also need a new barbecue. And floating tea lights in your pool. Where is your pool?
Steam dryer. Get one.
Something must be done about your hair. You want it to look beach-y, like you’ve just spent a relaxing afternoon frolicking in the surf. It’s so easy to get that look. Why aren’t you doing it? All you need to do is buy this, this, this and this, and spend a relaxing afternoon washing, conditioning, sectioning, drying, curling, pinning, spraying, scrunching, and tucking to get that effortless look. No, you don’t use that curling iron, you use this curling wand.
Don’t wear that nail color. That nail color is from last summer. You need this hot new nail color. But only for the next four weeks. Then you can never wear that old nail color again because you want the hot new fall look. It’s okay. The old nail color won’t go to waste. You can use it for all sorts of fun crafts. You can paint your house key with that old nail color so you know it’s your house key just by looking at it! Why aren’t you painting your house key with nail polish so you know it’s your house key just by looking at it? Do you live in a cave?
Get rid of all your clutter. No, that is not vintage, it is just old. Wait, don’t throw that away! You can repurpose it if you buy this, this and this to make it look vintage in twenty easy steps. Buy this magazine to find out how.
No, see, that’s not how you should send a file. You need this program. And the app to go with it. And then your coworkers need that program. And the app, too. No, emailing it will not work. Technically, yes, it will work, but it’s not sleek or elegant. You need the cloud. Yes, you do. Get on the damn cloud. You need a new phone. And a new laptop. What do you mean, you don’t have an iPad? We just assumed you have one. What are you doing in society without one? How are you walking around? We don’t understand.
Checks? Like, money checks? You use them? What are you doing? Children are going to point and laugh at you. You can’t even use money right. Cash? Are you crazy? How are you going to get that five dollar bill onto your friend’s Paypal account? You are doing it all wrong. Quarters... holy hell.
You really shouldn’t be wearing that necklace. It draws attention to your neck. Yes, everyone is looking at it and judging you. Everyone.
And those shoes. No. Not acceptable. You need these shoes. Yes, you do. Buy them now. Just charge them. They are much hotter. Don’t look at us like that... your feet are supposed to hurt. Isn’t your life better with hot shoes?
Why don’t you want to look cuter? You are never too old to look cuter. Your ancestors fought and died in wars so you could look cuter. Honor their sacrifice with Botox. Then get new jeans.
You will be so much happier if your eyebrows get plucked into this shape instead of that one. We promise.
Where is your new handbag?
Bins. You need bins. Organizing bins. Pretty bins to organize all of your stuff. You also need new stuff. That is why you need the bins.
This is the pretty design you want on your new pillows. It is so pretty. Until it is no longer pretty. We’ll make sure to tell you when that happens.
You’re running wrong. You shouldn’t run. Or you should run more. Or if you run more, you shouldn’t wear those shoes. Or shoes at all. Get these shoes that are just like not wearing shoes. Watch your gait. You have bad posture. Don’t stress those hips. Rest your knees. But don’t sit. You sit too much. Stop sitting. Go for a walk. You’re walking wrong.
Take a nap. No, that nap is too long. You don’t sleep enough. Don’t sleep in, though. You need a new mattress. And a new pillow. White noise machines. Redecorate your sleep space. Buy new bedding. Egyptian cotton. High thread count. And lavender linen spray. You deserve it. You need it.
You’re spending too much money. You’re the problem with the world. You are a mess. We need to fix you.
Yes indeed. Welcome to me.