testimony

So here we are.

It’s become clear over the course of history that not all of our heroes are ever completely pure, but lately, highly public wrongdoings are quite the rage. Allegations of all sorts of crimes committed by people in lofty positions seem to blot the news each day. 

But I am here today to set the record straight.

I hereby testify that I have not used any performance-enhancing drugs to write this web...blah...log. There have been no injections of any sort of Human Growth Hormones or steroids, banned or not banned by Major League Baseball. When I write a particularly juicy word, it comes from me, not from juicing. Those long, indulgent sentences are not the product of doping, even if they seem unnaturally large. 

There’s been no Adderall abuse, either. Just perfectly legal amounts of caffeine and sugar, well within the range that even New York City law allows. 

I also testify that I have not skimmed any funds from this web...blah...log. In no way have I funneled monies into any offshore accounts or kept multiple sets of misleading books. There has been no insider trading of our nonexistent common stock, and our holdings remain steady at zero dollars, American.

Let the record also show that there have never been any inappropriate relationships between myself and myself here at web...blah...log, and there have been no allegations of sexual harassment or unwelcome overtures. This is an equal-opportunity blog, and no one’s salary of nothing is higher than anyone else’s. 

In addition, I assert that despite its reasonable cost to the consumer, no corners have been cut in the production of web...blah...log. It remains safe, as it always has, free of harmful chemicals, dyes and artificial ingredients. Only the finest quality vowels and consonants go into the making of our product, and we proudly publish in Arial, as close to Helvetica as templates allow. We do not test web...blah...log on animals. Our byproducts do not pollute or harm the environment. Working conditions are as safe and comfortable as any living room, snacks are plentiful, and we have never exploited our labor force in any way.    

I also solemnly swear that the content of this web...blah...log has not been influenced or swayed by any donations or gifts given by corporations, special interest groups or political action committees. Not even cookies can buy us. 

And rest assured that web...blah...log has not undergone any plastic surgery or lied about its age, nor has it murdered any other blogs, nor has it ever cheated on you. It has no secret family in another state, and it has never faked its own death for the purposes of insurance fraud. It has never won a quiz show by getting the answers in advance, either.

Also, I insist that the outcome of any post published here is the result of a pure, fair battle of words and thoughts, and not the result of pre-arranged post “fixing” for the benefit of those who would engage in illegal blog gambling.  

In conclusion, web...blah...log is completely clean, and promises that it will never be sullied by scandal of any kind that is in its immediate control. (Should Blogger and/or Google pull some sort of crap, now that’s a different tale.) 

That’s right, kids. You can still believe in heroes, as long as that hero is an obscure blog-that’s-not-a-blog written by an underemployed showbiz hyphenate. Also as long as you don’t mind that the hero curses every now and then.

But never under oath.

Yes indeed. Welcome to me.