Right now, the "web…blah…log" is not being updated regularly, but feel free to peruse the archive, and check out our carefully selected highlights from Season One, Season Two, and Season Three.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

captioner thoughts

So here we are.
Have you ever watched live newscasts with closed captioning on? Did you ever imagine what the captioner was thinking as he or she was typing those captions in real time? Well, guess what? I did!
I’m tired of writing other people’s words. I want to write my own.
Damn. Typo.
Why can’t people talk slower?
Why are there so many puff pieces about puppies on the news?
Damn. Typo.
I’m three sentences behind. Oh, who cares. 
Ahmedinijad?  Seriously, people? 
Damn. Typo.
How can I be expected to keep up when I get lost in Brian Williams’ eyes?
I want to tell these murderers to live in one-syllable towns and have one-syllable names.
What did she just say? Oh, crap. Um... I’m just going to make something up.
Damn. Typo.
I don’t see why I have to caption the weather when the map is right there with all the numbers on it and everything. Big green mass over the doppler means rain. Who doesn’t know that? A 72 over your town means it’s going to be 72. Come on! Why? Oh right. We wouldn’t want to miss all of those delightful meteorological bon mots. 
My nose really itches. 
Uh oh. Typo that changes the the word entirely to something really, really bad.
Maybe I shouldn’t have given up that court stenographer job. No, no, I I did the right thing. Being a court stenographer wasn’t nearly as much fun as all those TV shows made it seem to be. No one ever asked me to read anything back. I was looking forward to that.
God, these announcers like to hear themselves talk. 
Why are my thoughts so mundane?
One of these days I’m going to do it. Instead of captioning, I’m just going to write my screenplay on there so everyone can see it.

Damn. Typo.
Cheese... milk...bananas...maybe some donuts...a can of beans... car accident on Route 19...
Do people know I even exist?
I hate this anchorman so much I’m going to make the hearing-impaired think he really does insert random words into his sentences.
Damn. Typo. And then I actually wrote “typo.” Damn.
Of course, this is all just speculation for the purposes of trying to scrape some bits of humor from the sides of the bowl of life. If I have offended any actual captioners with this post, I truly apologize, and invite them to respond in kind with all of the easy-target puppeteer digs they can throw my way. 
Yes indeed. Welcome to me. 

No comments:

Post a Comment