alumni event

So here we are.

In the dead, gray pall of winter, in the midst of resolutions and reinventions, and after the crazy holiday crush is over, this is a prime time for college alumni organizations all over the country to have various networking events, in the name of jumpstarting temporarily stalled careers. Just for fun, let’s read between the lines of one of these notices and call them what they are, shall we?

February 12, 6-8 PM:

Seminar - How To Schmooze and Cozy Up Whilst Pretending You Are Neither Schmoozing Nor Cozying Up

Presented by: Someone Much Younger Than You

Description: Schmoozing has gotten a bad name. That’s why we call it “networking.” Still, there’s an art to doing it in a way so that people don’t know you’re doing it. It’s called Mind Games. Come play some with us.

Cost: $15, includes photocopied handouts and a false feeling that you’ve learned something valuable. 

February 20, 6-8 PM:

Seminar - How To Convince Someone You Barely Knew in College But is Now Really Important That You Two Were Best Pals

Presented by: Someone Who Just Graduated and Is Trying to Start a Consulting Firm 

Description: Social media has become increasingly important in one’s career, if for no other reason than to rewrite the past. That geek you mercilessly bullied is now the head of a tech company, but if you play your Facebook cards right, he could become your friend. And what friend wouldn’t help out another friend and maybe give him a job? This seminar addresses the effectiveness of baby photos, tagging, sending virtual muffin baskets, and status updates that imply a religious rebirth and/or spiritual awakening on your part. 

Cost: $20, includes two hours of your life that you’ll never get back and possibly some Twitter followers.

February 27, 5-7 PM:

Event - Who Are You and What Can You Do For Me Wine and Cheese Reception and Boot-Licking Opportunity

Hosted by: Someone Who is Also on the Alumni Giving Committee and Will Definitely Hit You Up For a Donation

Place: His Pricey Club That Requires Members to Rent the Library Once a Quarter

Description: Come join a lot of people who we hope are big and successful fellow alumnae who are keen to hire you, but in reality are probably all recent graduates who are in the same boat of desperation as you. We guarantee that you will leave with your smartphone filled with useless new contacts who will do nothing for you except poke you on Facebook and send you Funny or Die links. Just in case, though, bring real business cards with you, as the older alums may not particularly care to scan the personal QR Code you have tattooed on your arm. 

Cost: $25, includes tiny, tiny plastic cups of boxed wine and at least three types of cheese, one possibly soft. Inclusion of fruit or crackers dependent on the number of attendees.

See, kids? That’s why getting into the right college is so important. 

Yes indeed. Welcome to me.