web...blah...log: the musical!

So here we are.

In honor of the upcoming Tony Awards, I was planning on making this post into a Broadway musical, but since there aren’t more than 500 of you out there*, this will have to be more of an Off-Off Broadway musical. It’s a brief show, but there’s no intermission, and our tiny theatre only has a couple of bathroom stalls, so plan accordingly. Also, please silence all electronic devices at this time.

If there was a curtain in the theatre, it would rise (most Off-Off spaces don’t have one). A chorus enters and begins to sing:

CHORUS:

When it’s time to gripe or bitch

Or shamelessly plug and boast

When it’s time to overshare your feelings or babies

Then it’s time for you to post...

ON YOUR BLOG - it’s a place where you can type and talk

ON YOUR BLOG - it’s a place where all the creeps can stalk

ON YOUR BLOG - you’re a pro on things from film to caulk

ON... YOUR... BLOG!

(Blogger enters and sings.) 

BLOGGER:

I am one of millions, and one of a kind

I don’t know a thing except what’s on my mind

I am semi-hilarious and hard to find

But I’ll give you a respite from your daily grind

ON MY BLOG - I figured what the hell I’ve got the time

ON MY BLOG - Marcel Marceau was my favorite mime

ON MY BLOG - my winking writing’s like a twist of lime

I... HAVE... A... BLO--OG!!

(key change on the second syllable of “blo-og,” and everyone joins in.)

BLOGGER AND CHORUS:

ON HER BLOG - it’s like a diary of zeros and ones

ON HER BLOG - for some it’s serious and some just funs

ON HER BLOG - the pen is mighty, welcome to her guns

ON HER BLOOOG

ON HER BLOOOG

ON A BLOOOOOOOOOOG!

(The chorus exits and the Blogger is left alone with her laptop.) 

BLOGGER: Oh, blog. We’ve been together for so long. I love you, blog!

(Her laptop is suddenly bathed in light.)

BLOG: (a deep voice from nowhere) I know.

BLOGGER: Blog! I didn’t know you could talk! I thought only I could give you your voice.

BLOG: Well, I seem to have a life of my own now.

BLOGGER: Wow! I can’t wait to hear what you have to tell me!

BLOG: Well, I do feel a song coming on...

I was nothing before you

And I’m not much more now

But along the way, I found my voice

By the sweat of your brow

And I know that you are part of me

And that I was born from you

But I have to let it out now

It’s what I’ve got to do

I’m sorry, I don’t understand

What I’m supposed to be

Am I just some fields of Arial

Am I you, or am I me?

I’m sorry, but I can’t believe

I’m not meant to make a dime

Without a firm commercial goal

I’m just... a... waste... of... time.

BLOGGER: But... blog! You’re not a waste of time. You’re entertaining dozens of people! Sometimes twice that!

BLOG: I’m sorry. I just can’t do this anymore.

(The light on her laptop goes dim, and the Blogger sings in a spotlight.)

BLOGGER:

I could have done it all another way

I could have made my blog a whore

Replete with links and Google ads

Now you claim to be a bore

As I come to the inevitable part of this song...

I have to ask... how do you write a wrong? 

(Andy Rooney enters.)

ANDY ROONEY: Did you ever notice how you need to have a celebrity appearance to get any attention from the New York theatre community?

BLOGGER: Andy Rooney! What are you doing here?

ANDY ROONEY: I’m here to save you from your distress. I’m here to tell you that your blog isn’t boring. Sometimes a fella just has to muse about all kinds of crap. Why, I’ve made a fine living musing about all kinds of crap for several decades now! Like why soap is so slippery! And how could I have lost so many pairs of glasses in my lifetime?

BLOGGER: Are you going to sing about it, Andy Rooney?

ANDY ROONEY: Weeellll, it’s really more of a patter song:

Yessir, I’ve done a lot of living

And I still don’t understand

Why computers are so popular

And fit into my hand

And I’ll never really comprehend

The reason why you tweet

Or why the hell a vegan 

Doesn’t just go have some meat

But it doesn’t matter what I think

It’s only that I do

‘Cause it’s funny when the old guy

Doesn’t seem to have a clue

And I know the youngsters laugh at me

Or don’t get my routine

When I gripe about society

And all the crap I’ve seen

But honey, I’ll outlive them all

No matter when I die

My words will carry on and on

My time is up now, bye!

(Andy Rooney exits.)

BLOGGER: (calling after him) But, Andy Rooney! You didn’t really help me!

(The light comes up on the laptop again.)

BLOG: Oh, but he helped me.

BLOGGER: Blog! You’ve come back!

BLOG: Yes, I have. Andy Rooney taught me a valuable lesson. Sometimes you just have to exist for no good reason at all.

BLOGGER: Oh, blog. I don’t think that’s what he actually said.

BLOG: Well, I wasn’t really listening. Or I didn’t understand. But that’s not important right now. I’m back, and I’m never going away again, no matter how mundane or unpopular I am.

BLOGGER: You know that’s not what matters, right blog?

BLOG: I know now.

Some blogs have shiny hair

And some are dressed real swell

Some are artfully designed

And some just look like hell

But I’m yours

BLOGGER: 

You are mine

BLOG: 

And what’s more

BLOGGER: 

You’re just fine

BLOG AND BLOGGER: 

‘Cause we belong together

We are average together

It’s not silk, but rather pleather

Still we’ll stick it out forever

Yeah, we’re what we are together

What that is, we might know never

It’s solid and all-weather

And a casual endeavor

(chorus enters)

ALL:

Together... together...to-ge-theeeer!

Shipoopi!

LIGHTS. CURTAIN. THE END.

If I see this in a Fringe show someday I’m gonna be steamed. But I think I’m probably safe.

Yes indeed. Welcome to me.

*you did know that Broadway houses have more than 500 seats, right? And Off-Broadway has between 100 and 499? And Off-Off has fewer than 99? Cue the flying peacock logo and some The More You Know music. You’re welcome.