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Thursday, October 7, 2010


So here we are.
I’ve come to the realization that the only people you can respect anymore are zombies. I’m not saying I particularly like zombies, but I respect them.  Not that I’ve had a lot of experience encountering zombies, (or any, really) but even my limited exposure to zombies via films and television and pop culture in general has convinced me that zombies are our last pure souls on Earth.
I understand that using the words “zombies” and “pure souls” in the same sentence is a tad unorthodox, to say the least, but hear me out. It’s simple, really.
Zombies will always tell you exactly what they want. No false pretenses, no stammering, no awkward pauses. They just come right out and groan it:
They want brains.

They don’t play mind games. They don’t pretend, they don’t scheme, they don’t lie.  They don’t pull the bait-and-switch. They don’t say one thing and do another. They don’t run misleading ads and accept PAC money. They don’t leave you hanging or guessing. They aren’t coy or cryptic. They’re pretty upfront about the fact that they don’t want to have anything to do with you except eat your brain. They don’t seem to be particularly racist or hateful or misogynist; in fact, they seem to be pretty equal opportunity when it comes to brains. I bet they’ll even eat your brain if you’re stupid.  They don’t care who you are if your brain is tasty.
Why have you never thought about this before? Because zombies don’t hire P.R. reps.
Even kids know how to manipulate people. Zombies, they may have the know-how to manipulate (ingesting all that grey matter and all), but their m.o. is simply to go right for your brain. Back-stabbing is of no use to a zombie. Your brain isn’t in your back.
Zombies don’t care about fame and fortune or getting ahead. Zombies don’t try to sell you anything or send you chain letters or talk your ear off about their feelings. Zombies don’t have Twitter accounts. You know why? Because the only thing they’d ever tweet is:
Undead78: I want #brains.
HappyWaffleChick: I dunno... I feel fat... wanna go to the movies? RT @Undead78: I want #brains.
Undead78: #Brains. Want #brains. Now.
They don’t even say “please.”
See? Simplicity. Telling it like it is. Being straightforward. No bullshit, no judgement, no guilt trips. We can learn a thing or two from zombies.
And sure, zombies still want to eat your brain, but you already know that going in. No surprises. No plot twists. No heartbreak. 
Yeah. I can get behind that.
Yes indeed. Welcome to me.

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